A Blog Renewed. Again.



I wrote about reviving this blog a YEAR ago. 

And then...crickets...while I continued to microblog on Instagram like I hadn't heard myself say a thing.

If that doesn't give you any insight into how long it normally takes me to act on the things I know I need to do, I don't know what will.

I'm trying to change that, though, trying to get better at stepping into what I just know, instinctively, and not get stuck in overthinking it for...well....like, a year. 

I've been spending a lot of time with my solo self lately in quiet excavation, writing out hard questions and answering them, feeling vulnerable one second and powerful the next (as a side note, I find those two--vulnerability and power--usually come to the same parties, arriving separately but leaving together). I've felt more connected with what I want and--more uncomfortably--what I need than I have in a long time. I've been telling myself the truth more often and living it out more determinedly, more unashamedly.

As I've asked myself over and over what I'm holding onto that is holding me back from flying at full wingspan, I've released my grip on little things, big things, hard things, easy things. But when I asked one day and it was "let go of social media," I was like "sorry what can't hear very well right now check back later byyyye," swatting at reminders like flies.

You see, I like social media. I defend the good of social media. I take frequent breaks from social media. I have a 'healthy' relationship with social media. It's one of the unsaid covid social rules that we need social media right now. Also: can't I do good there, where EVERYONE seems to be hanging out? So why on earth!?

And yet, there it was, sitting and roiling in my core anyways...the knowing.

And so here I am, listening, unsure of the reasons...while also laying down my need to know the reasons, for now. 

I'll be here, dancing between the knowing and the next right thing.


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