Where I've Been

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Oh, hey there!

It's been a while...and I've missed this blogging thing.

Where have I been? I've been sick. Suuuuuuuper sick. Can-hardly-keep-water-down-sick. Losing my mind sick. Sick because I have been battling my way through the first trimester of being pregnant with our Baby #4! And despite all of the barfing around here, we are so excited to add another crazy sweet member to our family.


I tried announcing and writing about the pregnancy a few weeks ago, but I just couldn't do it without droning on and on about how completely horrible I was feeling. To be honest, I still don't think I can, but at least it's improved enough that I've got some perspective. SOME. Writing about it in the smack-dab-middle of it was NOT a great idea for me. It was all pain, no hope, and plenty of melodrama, served straight up with a side of I-just-want-to-die. I'm not even going to pretend that's a normal thing to say. Things have been rough. 
In kind-of hindsight, I think that a rough year, emotionally, left me ill-equipped to endure it well. Ugh. Anyways.

The past several weeks have made me really grateful for that calm, birds-eye voice that kind of hovers over everything and reminds me of the sane, reasonable things that I actually believe when I'm not in the throes of self-pity. It reminds me that things are going to be okay, that I don't actually want to be unconscious for the remainder of this pregnancy, and that this is a breathtakingly beautiful blessing...I'm growing a human here. It is miraculous.

Also, though: feeling so low (and I'm going to say it...tortured) for several weeks really made me think about questions like, "what if I couldn't hear that bird's-eye voice anymore? What if I believed this was all my life would be like, just feeling awful and so so so sick, not able to get out of bed? What if I couldn't see a way out?" It startled me that there was so little standing between how I felt, and how bad it can get... and made my heart break and ache for those who battle depression and other chronic mental and physical illnesses. I don't pretend to know exactly what it's like---I feel like that would be insensitive and presumptuous---but I do feel like I was allowed the tiniest glimpse of how blindingly dark the fog could be, how all-consuming and isolating.

All life-lessons-learned aside, though...what has gotten me through the worst patches was capital P-R-A-Y-E-R. Desperate, gut-wrenching prayer to my Father in Heaven, pleading for relief or strength to endure. And although the chronic nausea and vomiting may not have abated, my heart felt buoyed up and better able to endure it with hope. To be honest, it was probably the only thing that really worked the whole time. Sorry ginger ale and soda crackers (and every other anti-nausea trick of the known world): you LOSE.

I expect to be fully OVER this awful morning sickness by 16 weeks (hear that, body?). Until then, posting will probably continue to be spotty...but also continue to improve in frequency somewhere along the way.

Until then, I'm off to eat an orange. And maybe some beans. But nothing else because barf.

They say the more you sacrifice for something, the more sacred it becomes to you; the more you love it. I already have so much love for this baby. SO MUCH LOVE.
Ha!
...But actually, I do. :) Yay baby!

6 comments:

  1. You sure do have a way with words. I can totally relate to ALL of this. All 6 times..... 40 weeks each time. I am SO sorry you are dealing with this. I like what you said in the end though. "The more you sacrifice for something, the more sacred it becomes to you; the more you love it." So so true! Thanks! Feel better soon! "This too shall pass..." :)

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    1. Oh my goodness. Much admiration to you for surviving the sickness for the WHOLE pregnancy, EVERY time! Amazing.
      Thank you!

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  2. What a great blessing for me to see this today! (It's Leilani from just a touch of crazy by the way. Don't feel like signing out of my personal account) anyway I've been feeling exactly like this with my fourth. As soon as the morning sickness hit thoughts of excitement were replaced with thoughts of what the heck were we thinking. Growing a baby has somehow left me feeling like the worst mother in the world to my other children. I'm sick, distant, and quite frankly don't want anyone to touch me or breaths on me or um be near me. It's hard. But I think I've been forgetting to drop to my knees and let myself plead with my Heavenly Father for relief. So thank you for this reminder! Plus also I'm glad I'm not the only one who sometimes feels miserable when most people assume you should be ecstatic.

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    1. Leilani! Congratulations to YOU!!! I totally feel you on the feeling like an awful mother...my kids are pretty sure I'm dying and all they've eaten in the past six weeks are granola bars. Oops. Sisters with morning sickness UNITE! Ugh. Haha... :) Hope you feel better soon and we'll get through this! Eventually! And hopefully in one piece!

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  3. Congratulations Laura. I'm not even going to pretend to know how you feel but I do completely and utterly empathize with you. That dark place you spoke of gave me chills. A while back I was put on a medication to help with anxiety. It helped with anxiety all right... it made me depressed. Like totally and completely, no reason for it depressed. My doctor tried to convince me that I probably was indeed depressed but after two weeks and daily thoughts of suicide (something I would not EVER entertain) I cut the meds and the doctor loose. Prayer helped me out of that pit too. I know it was God who clearly shone a light on the fact that it was the medication that was making me feel so dark.

    Anyway, I am soooo happy for you and I'm praying you'll find relief soon enough and be able to bask in the joy of this pregnancy and this new member of your family.

    Wishing you well.
    xoxo

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    1. Oh, thank you, Jennifer! And thank goodness all got sorted out with the medication; I've had friends who had the same experience with birth control!...it's so scary to feel SO unlike yourself.

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